Letter to B.

Dear B,
How do I start this conversation? How about this. I am not happy with us. So, what should we do to make it better?
I have been thinking about us a lot and I thought I should wait until after the holidays to talk to you, but I am sorry, I can not wait much longer.
I really appreciate the ways you treat me, most of all, your generosity. I have tried to think and rethink over and over again to understand all angles of our relationship. So, here are what I come up with.
I hope you understand who I am, where I am coming from as I have tried to tell you during our months of getting to know each other.
B, do you remember about what I told you about my relationship with my father and his stories? I can deal with many things and my kinds of people, but one thing I have hard time to deal with is people who are not value monogamy in their relationship even just with the physical part. I just want us to have a kind of relationship where love, trust and respect are the foundation. I never want to be in a jealousy state of mind. It is plain horrible just to imagine to be in that situation. I want to be able to trust you as much as I love you. I want our relationship to be clean in every possible ways. I do not want to be in an open relationship, period.
B, you told me about slipping, being able to slip, about physically fun, and about forgiveness in our last conversation. Temptation is everywhere, you and I could both slip, so where and what should be the limits? When we head down that slippery slope, I do not think neither one of us is strong enough to maintain ours. So, what are the points of having an exclusive relationship if we can not protect it from being destroyed? Forgiveness is essential in any relationship, but it should not be a getting out of jail free card. How often do you think you or I could forgive one another for cheating? In our last conversation you said that being with me is difficult since your slipping could cause our relationship. The question should be is why would I have to be responsible for our relationship since you were the one that slipped and vice versa? So if you and I would still want to look for something outside of our relationship, that means neither one of us were enough for each other. I am sorry, I do not want to be any part of the circus and I might not be the one for you then.
B, communication is super important to me. I would love to express my feelings to you when I need without facing remarks like "thinking like a woman, talking like a woman, being a drama queen... " Please stop patronizing me and for once recognize that I am unlike any one you dated before. I am just being me. Respect is the two way street in my opinion.
B, I want you to be a priority in my life since we are dating... and vice versa. Please have your priorities sorted and make me feel important to you.
B, how about some passion and romance? Could I just hold your hand, rest on your arms or shoulder or maybe even kiss you when I feel like doing it without you asking me what I am doing. Please make me feel belonged.
B, please do not say something and take it back just like you want me to be your boy friend and then take it back. How do you think I feel when you lower my status? Please make me feel loved.
You are a strong minded person, very strong actually and confident and independent. It is impossible for me to fit into your life without you making any room for me. Please make some rooms for me if you want me. Please talk to me, open up to me and fill me in, make me feel needed.
B, I know neither you nor I like this kind of conversation. It is heavy; however, I think it is really necessary for our relationship. This is me. I am a package along with all of these issues and could be more. If you think this is too much, then we should think of another alternative for our relationship.
This message could make or break our relationship, I am willing to take a chance. With this journey, happiness is my quest.
Hiet.

Do I learn from this blogger or what?

"Do crave approval from everyone?

Does it bother you if someone doesn’t like you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the millions of people suffering from the disease to please. It’s not treatable by drugs or medication, but instead, by a healthy dose of truth. The disease to please stems from many things, including a diminished sense of worth.

I suffered from this disease as a child. When I was 9 or 10, I would invite my friend Jimmy over to play. I desperately wanted him to like me, and I felt rather unlovable (my parents would constantly remind me how chubby I was, and make many jokes at my expense). So, I’d open my baseball card collection, and let him take his favorite cards. I worried that I wasn’t enough myself, and felt that giving him cards would make up for whatever I lacked. Of course, Jimmy liked getting free cards - but it never occurred to me that he actually liked me, too.

Maybe you can relate. But here’s the good news: Having everyone like you isn’t a requirement in life.

Happiness, or one’s level of fulfillment, isn’t based on the approval of others. Approval isn’t required for success in this life. In fact, the more you contribute to the world, the more disapproval you’ll likely encounter. The larger your spotlight and the greater your success, the more dislike you’ll probably experience. Oprah spoke to this point in one of her New Earth Podcasts (Chapter 6, to be exact).

A true sense of worth, of course, can’t be found in the opinions of others. It can only be found within you, as you learn to love the unlovable within you." (by Davey Wavey from Break the Illusion Blog).

Sadness

Why am I so sad today? Is it because of B or of D?
I think it is the email from D. I was being nice to D in his situation with C (A), and things took a different turn. Am I ever falling for him? Is he the person of my dream or just another frog I have to kiss to find a prince? I think I am feeling this way because of the ideas of being turned down and it caught me by surprises since he was the one that came on to me, so strong. Is he afraid of falling or am I just not worth his try? Whatever it is, he hurts my feeling and I am sad.
With B, I do not know what it is any more. Whatever our status is, I am not OK with it. I will talk to him soon to see what it is and where it is heading. I hate being unknown. When he left for Japan, things are not the same. Is he just as confused as me or he just waits for me to be tired out all the whole thing and call it off? Who is B anyway? What do I know about him?
I do not like myself in this situation at all. It makes me weak. I want to go back to my normal self, the one before all of these relationship ordeals.
Please help me to get back to my happy self.

Warren Mackenzie

Last Saturday, I finally found two more pieces by Warren Mackenzie. I will bring them home on Nov. 9.
What about his work that fascinating me? It is because it is so real and emotion, just like every thing else I love in this life. I can imagine his hands, his concentration, his emotion when he sat there in his studio throwing clay... and then, a piece came to life and then came to a household and then used... That is what he wants, his art to be used in daily life by real people.
Last week, I found a piece by Janet Leach. I have been googling (is it a word?) about this artist and fascinating what I came across. I found a letter she wrote to Warren, now at Smithsonian. I will do more reading about those potters... How fascinating, right?

Patrick Kemal Pryor

Love his art, love his mind, love his personality and love his friends...
Patrick will move away in less than 2 weeks. A lost note right there in this song...
Good luck and keep in touch...

Widen a circle of friends...

What amazing the last two week was!
Let see how many people I met and still keep in touch.
It is 10.
I met 4 new friends at Patrick Pryor's party and 6 with Brian L at another get together...
You know who you are... and thanks.

Nguyen Ngoc Tu

I want to write something about Tu, but at the end, I can not. There is so much to write about.
I will visit this idea in the future.
NNT has been one of my favorite writers. Her words are simple, real, emotion and her stories are always inspired and passionate... Reading hers put me in a zen like state and calm me down.
OK, enough for now, back to reading NNT...

Time flies...

It has been almost a month since I visit my blog again. It is not that I was busy, but my mind was occupied and the idea of clarify some ideas then write them down terrify me.
I read Davey's blog today. He wrote about taking a week sabbatical from his partner. I think that is a strange idea, but somehow intriguing. I am trying the idea now. I will observe to see how it goes.
Peace...

Loneliness

I am lonely... It is the feeling and reality...

Missing a quiet and grounded life...

Yes, I miss having a quiet night at home...
Unlike a lot people I know, I love being at home, alone, and quiet... By doing that, I feel like I am balanced, grounded and productive... Going out is fun while it lasts, but not having a lot of things done makes my life seem chaotic. Since my physical life is chaotic, my mental life is heading that way as well. When my life, both physical and mental is chaotic, I can not be as productive as I would like. I do not like this feeling a bit...
I always think I would slow down when I was 35 along with all other dreams and hopes... Every thing is so not in my control. Changing my life style to fit my current situation is the only thing I can do now...
I am going to be more grounded and grew up in some senses.
I am going to practice when I visit my parents in Houston in the next couple weeks. I am going to read more and think more, not talk more...LOL.
This is the first step in the process. I am having an early new year resolution...

Friends...

Having good friends is a blessing... If that is the case, then I am really blessed...
One thing I regret the most is that I do not keep in touch with some of my friends from highschools. Being transferred to a lot a schools tended to do that to a person. During my 12 years in grade schools, I keep in touch with 2 people, L and T. We are still friends until this day.
College in Vietnam, Architecture University in Saigon was where I made a lot of friends and still keep in touch to today. A group of us, six, T,Y,H,V,T were very close but now some do not talk to each other. I still keep in touch with all. T,Y,H,V,T are wonderful, especially H and B when H married B. There are more in my class like C, CT,T,T,DT,HV,TV,V,D... that I meet from time to time every time I go back to Vietnam. C and V are those I like to meet the most in this group... We do not have a lot in common, but memory, sentimental are what keep us together.
America, I made some friends and friends no longer friends. What happened is what I usually ask myself. T and T are my oldest friends in America. Then I meet L at the senior year, and through L, I met T and N and their whole family... Through T and T, I met MH, CH, CL and their whole family as well as T and T family. I love them all...
In Grad school, I met B,D,B,K and many more, and we are still friends...
At MDA, I met K,R,C,K... and some more... some are very good friends of mine...
And then friends I met outside all of the above, like K who I met while shopping at Dayton's and the friends I met online like R and J...
Every group of friends I have, there are something different to talk about... I cherish them all.
On a rainy day, I suddenly miss them all... I feel fascinating how we became friends... with all people on earth, why they are my friends... We must have a lot of "duyen."
I wish all my friends a lot of happiness in their lives...

Taming the Tiger Within

The book, Taming the Tiger Within, has arrived... Thank you, Robert, for sending me the book and wrote me a beautiful note...
I am reading the book now...

Pham Hoai Nam - Ao Trang

There are two well known photographers, both with the same name Pham Hoai Nam. One lives here in MN and one lives in Saigon.
I call Nam in MN as Ong gia, Granite King, Nam Ao Trang... since Ao Trang is the calendar he has promoted for more than 10 years along with his charity works in VN... (Sorry Thu, I am writing about Nam in this entry, I promise, I will write one all about you and your style some other time... soon.)
In his 2009 calendar, there are two images I love the most (I will scan and post them here later).
Nam is an amazing person, an excellent negotiator (LOL)... who is extremely talented, intelligent, compassionate, caring... and trust me, I can go on and on... That is why I admire and respect him in so many ways... even though we are so different in many aspects... (ask him, he will tell you...)
I am blessed for having Nam in my life. Nam is the kind of friend I turn to when I am happy and when I am not... I will continue to write about my friends... because from them, I learn a great deal...
I miss you, Ong gia...

Quoc Bao

By chance, for the last couple days, I found one of my favorite Vietnamese composers on Facebook.
He is Quoc Bao, the author of so many wonderful songs such as Bai tinh ca cho giai nhan, Yeu, Nhu nam me ma thoi, Am anh...
I am so glad. I behave like a groupy...LOL
I always compare him to chu Trinh Cong Son because his music is minimal, but the lyric is very sophisticated and complicated... He is one of the young composers that has old soul, writes about beauty, a kind of strange beauty that is haunted and sentimented in many ways...
Please keep haunting me with your beautiful music... I can not wait for his new cd Q+B coming out soon... so I heard.
This sounds like an introduction even though he does not need one... I will write more about him later, especially about two songs, Nhu nam me ma thoi and Am anh, Le Hieu sings in his cd V.

Pottery

I love contemporary pottery as well as Mid Century pottery like Red Wing... They are just amazingly beautiful... I am learning about both... Warren, Maren Kloppmann, Steve Hemingway... love them all.

Mid Century Modern

I am interested in Mid Century design and architecture. I begin to study and searching for more information... Found some great web sites...

As my friend Lauren puts it, this week has gone by so fast

It has been a week since my very short last entry... I am not the mood to write or do any thing... My mind is still spinning around with all of these life problems... from job, family (my ex brother in law...), my relationship, my projects... It is getting harder to get up in the morning and to get the necessary energy to be productive... I feel useless, powerless, uninspired a lot when facing the computer screen for so long and not be able to do any work... I wish I had the energy, the life of a year ago... Wishing for the past is not a healthy way to live, but it is all I have got, at least for now... I wish things are not as chaotic as now... I have to find more balance in life... starting now...
My friend, Robert, told me about this book by Thich Nhat Hanh, I am going to read it... I am hoping for some calming in mind and in life.

Monday

Monday. It is really Monday...

Despair...

Do not despair...

What is on my mind today?

Happy, being happy, happiness... It is like if I said (in this case, wrote) enough, it will come true...

A blog entry by Davey...

I read Davey's blog today. Every time I can not sleep, I always read his blog.

Here is one of his entry.

"The other day, I got a message from @Petahhh on my twitter asking, “How were you able to let go of a high cost/material life?”

Truth be told, I don’t live the simplest of lifestyles. I’m certainly no Mother Theresa. But I don’t place a lot of importance on the material stuff that I do have; I’m not attached to it. I can enjoy it when it’s here, and yet not mourn over it if ever goes. I think it’s perfectly fine to live in abundance - so long as we don’t define ourselves by the abundance in which we live.

Many of us secretly believe that we’d be happier if we made more money. I can guarantee otherwise: If you’re miserable poor, you’ll be miserable rich. Perhaps even more miserable. Your base level of happiness isn’t determined by the wealth you’re able to amass or the amount of “things” you’re able to collect.

In fact, many of the happiest people I’ve met are the poorest. In one of my recent videos, you can see a homeless man (at 16 seconds). He’s one of the happiest people I’ve ever encountered.

The universe reminded me of this truth earlier in the week. In what I’d consider an extravagant purchase, I bought a giant imitation antler chandelier for my condo in Rhode Island. While carrying it to my car, I broke one of the horns; it snapped right off. At first I was upset, but then I remembered that I shouldn’t be giving the material things in my life that sort of power over me. I’ll glue it back on at some point. Or perhaps I’ll leave it broken as a reminder.

At best, material things can give us a temporary high. It’s like taking a drug. But the high is always short and the crash is always hard as we return back to our base level of happiness. Moreover, true happiness can’t be dependent on anything outside of us as the entire world is transient and changing. If you base your happiness on something that is bound to change, you’ll live your life in fear of losing it.

There is more than enough to go around, and if you manifest abundance on your life’s journey, enjoy it. But remain unattached; be able to wave farewell with a smile on your face.

To truly be happier, I think each of us must follow our heart and our passions, tapping into our talents, and serving the world with peace and love." by Davey Wavey, July 18, 2009.

Catalogue

The catalogue for Giaviet Interior is coming along...
With this project is coming to an end, I am going to start on a new project.
Is it life journey a series of projects? Yes, even when I try to be spontaneous, that is a project - a planned item too. So, what does spontaneity truly mean? This is the question I am going to observe today.
Forget about spontaneity for a second, I want to focus a little bit on my next projects.
I have two projects for now.
One is finishing up my portfolio, printing them out, and assembling them - all 100 of them.
The other project is more like invisible... I am going to examine my way of living, thinking and trying to simplify it. I have been thinking about doing this for so long, never get to do it, primarily blamed my abundance life. As reading Davey today, it gives me a courage to do it... Wish me luck...

sleepless...

It is 5 in the morning, and yes, can not sleep...
Something on my mind... as of now, I am trying to rethink my life... What a process!
I have been to busy with the this aspect of my life and totally forget about other aspects...
I need to bring balance back...
Any advices?
There are a lot of books about architecture and Nguyen Ngoc Tu waiting for me to read...
I need to bury myself in there, for now, any distraction is appreciated...

Sanity...

I want my sanity back...
This roller coaster ride is fun while it lasts... but too much baggage...
Bad karma, who wants that?
I rethink about the purposes of love... both soothes and wounds... and I so do not want my happiness building on somebody else's unhappiness...

Falling...

I am falling...

Torn...

I am torn with decisions between the right thing to do and feeling...
Any advice?

Think...

Love and Lust, what a difference!

Whatever!

I need both love and sex...
Sex without love is too easy but not fulfilling...
Love without sex is torture, unreal in general...
I would like to have both.
If not, love is what I would rather have...
That is all...

Gia Viet

I have promised my friend, Vuong and his wife to redesign their catalogue for some months now... I have certain ideas but it is difficult to get me started... I am getting very bad lately... too lazy is what I meant... not the kind of bad that are fun...
I am going to start working on it as soon as I finish writing this entry... I promise.
I hope I will have it done by the end of this month and I am going to publish it on here... something to make me proud and get me going again about design, architecture and life in general... I have postponed my life and put it on hold for too long...
Maybe the date on Thursday and this catalogue are what I need to get me believe again.
Wish me luck...
Good luck, Hiet.

Hope...

I have been chatting with this person a lot lately... I can not wait to go on our first date on Thursday... I learn not to expect too much, but something about this person gives me hope and gets me excited about dating again...
It does take a lot for me to go on date now a day, and I have a solid track record of sabotaging my relationships.
Cross my fingers on this one!
I do not know how it turns out, but I do love the feelings I am having right now. Excite, worry, happy, fear... are all weaving...

Feeling...

The sun is out today...
I woke up late this morning, looked outside and saw the sun... I surprised at myself since I could feel that good just by seeing the sun. Is it like seeing an old dear friend? Living in MN for a long time, I learn to appreciate seasons, especially seasons with a lot of the sun's presence...
Arts, seasons, the sun... are just wonderful. They have the abilities to transcend...

Noguchi's quote

"I am excited by the idea that sculpture creates space, that shapes intended for this purpose, properly scaled in a space, actually create a greater space. There is a difference between actual cubic feet of space and the additional space that the imagination supplies. One is measure, the other an awareness of the void-our existence in this passing world."
(Quoted in Isamu Noguchi, A Sculptor's World, 1968)
How amazing is that. And then in another interview with Sam Hunter in 1980, he talked about "tables as suggest landscape," and "every garden is a landscape, and every garden can be considered a table, too, especially Zen gardens."
I am holding in my hand a book called Isamu Noguchi Space of Akari & Stone. The images are from his exhibition of Akari lamps and stone sculptures... They are just plain wonderful... so wonderful that I have been looking at them for more than 5 years and they still deliver. I am always surprised, amazed... every single time.
I love this quote so much, it says a lot about him and his work "I am always looking for a new way of saying the same thing." (quoted in Sam Hunter, Isamu Noguchi-75th Birthday Exhibition, 1980). Look at the traditional Japanese paper lanterns and his Akari lamps, then you will understand what I am writing about... He reinvented the known materials, gave them new lives, promoted them further... That is what truly modern about his work... He totally understood the tectonic of bamboo, paper and light... the same goes for stone as well. I wish I got to see any of his stone sculptures now...

Noguchi

I am reading about Isamu Noguchi... Reading about him and his work under one of his Akari lamps, priceless... More to come...

July 4th, 2009

I have wanted to start a blog for a long time, but never get to do it until today...
Today is holiday. Waking up in the morning with no plan, insert a new CD, open a half read book and still feel some emptiness... If you know me, usually, that is enough for me, but not today...
Today! Does today mean anything? Of course it means a lot, and there are a lot to do also... See, I contradict myself already... no plan but a lot to do... because deep down in my mind, I know I have to do a lot today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and so on, but still no plan... Where to start and what to start?
I hope for a better day, tomorrow... I hope I will have a clear plan by tomorrow... Now, I just enjoy the moments of being empty and do nothing... It is a holiday after all... And the sun was on for a second and now it is about to rain... Talking about mood swing...