Dear E,
I could be mad, but I decide not to do that since I do not want any of that bad energy rubbing on me.
I am just disappointed, plain and pure disappointment in you and in me for allowing you treating me this way.
One thing I know for sure, if this is where you and I are heading, I am out. I can not even use the word WE here since you do not want a WE so there is no WE.
I try to understand you, everything about you and around you, because I think you are special and I like you. But the more I tried to do all that, the more you pulled away. You said I was too direct, I came on too strong, I was too into you, I focused too much on you, I gave you too much attention and you scared... You are scared because... ? What do you want? Do you want me to be not into you, not to care or focus or pay any attention to you, or even to treat you bad? I could do all of those, but why would I want to do that to a friend, especially to you? Or why would you want that from a guy anyway?
There was my eureka moment: you are not into me at all. I have to believe that otherwise that means you have serious issues. If you were into me, you would appreciate my approach, you would feel happy and special.
I take it back. I am so angry right now. I have never been this angry ever and you bring that kind of emotion out on me. What did I do to you to deserve the way you treat me?
I try to forget and forgive so I can be with you. Only you can be so blind, so selfish and so self absorb in order not to see any of those... You let me wait outside your house for almost 1 hour while you were hanging out with your friends, and then you make plans with me and never follow through and do not even have the decency to call or text to let me know about changing plans (not the first time).
I understand you are busy, I am busy, I know people who are far busier than you, but they do not treat their friends or other fellow human beings the way you treat me... The only difference between you and them is that they care and decent and you are not.
I can see clearly now that all of your excuses are bullshit. It is you, not me that have the problems. That is another eureka moment for me.
I hope you can find whatever you are looking for and deserved. I am out. I feel sorry for myself for wasting my love and energy on you. I decide not allow you to do this to me any more... No more bullshit coming from you and respect is what I am at least deserved.
I wish you luck.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Time does fly...
It has been 8 months since I write anything in my blog...
So many things happened in the last 8 months... but on this blog, time stands still.
Imagine in life, if I stand still, I will be left behind, and later, I will move backward. Life goes on in that kind of senses.
Today is Sunday, a second day after the first snow yesterday. Feeling lonely somehow...
So many things happened in the last 8 months... but on this blog, time stands still.
Imagine in life, if I stand still, I will be left behind, and later, I will move backward. Life goes on in that kind of senses.
Today is Sunday, a second day after the first snow yesterday. Feeling lonely somehow...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Omega
So, it is the end for B and me. We talked and decided to part from each other as of Monday night-Jan 4, 2010. I got what I wanted, but am still sad... the sadness is lingering around here, hugging me and slowly swallowing me... I am hoping and longing for better days...
I miss you B, but I can not do much different. I like your idea of us being friends... Take care.
As for my plan, I plan on to stay single for some time. Not going to rush into any thing this time...
Like I said, happiness is my quest for this journey...
I miss you B, but I can not do much different. I like your idea of us being friends... Take care.
As for my plan, I plan on to stay single for some time. Not going to rush into any thing this time...
Like I said, happiness is my quest for this journey...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Letter to B.
Dear B,
How do I start this conversation? How about this. I am not happy with us. So, what should we do to make it better?
I have been thinking about us a lot and I thought I should wait until after the holidays to talk to you, but I am sorry, I can not wait much longer.
I really appreciate the ways you treat me, most of all, your generosity. I have tried to think and rethink over and over again to understand all angles of our relationship. So, here are what I come up with.
I hope you understand who I am, where I am coming from as I have tried to tell you during our months of getting to know each other.
B, do you remember about what I told you about my relationship with my father and his stories? I can deal with many things and my kinds of people, but one thing I have hard time to deal with is people who are not value monogamy in their relationship even just with the physical part. I just want us to have a kind of relationship where love, trust and respect are the foundation. I never want to be in a jealousy state of mind. It is plain horrible just to imagine to be in that situation. I want to be able to trust you as much as I love you. I want our relationship to be clean in every possible ways. I do not want to be in an open relationship, period.
B, you told me about slipping, being able to slip, about physically fun, and about forgiveness in our last conversation. Temptation is everywhere, you and I could both slip, so where and what should be the limits? When we head down that slippery slope, I do not think neither one of us is strong enough to maintain ours. So, what are the points of having an exclusive relationship if we can not protect it from being destroyed? Forgiveness is essential in any relationship, but it should not be a getting out of jail free card. How often do you think you or I could forgive one another for cheating? In our last conversation you said that being with me is difficult since your slipping could cause our relationship. The question should be is why would I have to be responsible for our relationship since you were the one that slipped and vice versa? So if you and I would still want to look for something outside of our relationship, that means neither one of us were enough for each other. I am sorry, I do not want to be any part of the circus and I might not be the one for you then.
B, communication is super important to me. I would love to express my feelings to you when I need without facing remarks like "thinking like a woman, talking like a woman, being a drama queen... " Please stop patronizing me and for once recognize that I am unlike any one you dated before. I am just being me. Respect is the two way street in my opinion.
B, I want you to be a priority in my life since we are dating... and vice versa. Please have your priorities sorted and make me feel important to you.
B, how about some passion and romance? Could I just hold your hand, rest on your arms or shoulder or maybe even kiss you when I feel like doing it without you asking me what I am doing. Please make me feel belonged.
B, please do not say something and take it back just like you want me to be your boy friend and then take it back. How do you think I feel when you lower my status? Please make me feel loved.
You are a strong minded person, very strong actually and confident and independent. It is impossible for me to fit into your life without you making any room for me. Please make some rooms for me if you want me. Please talk to me, open up to me and fill me in, make me feel needed.
B, I know neither you nor I like this kind of conversation. It is heavy; however, I think it is really necessary for our relationship. This is me. I am a package along with all of these issues and could be more. If you think this is too much, then we should think of another alternative for our relationship.
This message could make or break our relationship, I am willing to take a chance. With this journey, happiness is my quest.
Hiet.
How do I start this conversation? How about this. I am not happy with us. So, what should we do to make it better?
I have been thinking about us a lot and I thought I should wait until after the holidays to talk to you, but I am sorry, I can not wait much longer.
I really appreciate the ways you treat me, most of all, your generosity. I have tried to think and rethink over and over again to understand all angles of our relationship. So, here are what I come up with.
I hope you understand who I am, where I am coming from as I have tried to tell you during our months of getting to know each other.
B, do you remember about what I told you about my relationship with my father and his stories? I can deal with many things and my kinds of people, but one thing I have hard time to deal with is people who are not value monogamy in their relationship even just with the physical part. I just want us to have a kind of relationship where love, trust and respect are the foundation. I never want to be in a jealousy state of mind. It is plain horrible just to imagine to be in that situation. I want to be able to trust you as much as I love you. I want our relationship to be clean in every possible ways. I do not want to be in an open relationship, period.
B, you told me about slipping, being able to slip, about physically fun, and about forgiveness in our last conversation. Temptation is everywhere, you and I could both slip, so where and what should be the limits? When we head down that slippery slope, I do not think neither one of us is strong enough to maintain ours. So, what are the points of having an exclusive relationship if we can not protect it from being destroyed? Forgiveness is essential in any relationship, but it should not be a getting out of jail free card. How often do you think you or I could forgive one another for cheating? In our last conversation you said that being with me is difficult since your slipping could cause our relationship. The question should be is why would I have to be responsible for our relationship since you were the one that slipped and vice versa? So if you and I would still want to look for something outside of our relationship, that means neither one of us were enough for each other. I am sorry, I do not want to be any part of the circus and I might not be the one for you then.
B, communication is super important to me. I would love to express my feelings to you when I need without facing remarks like "thinking like a woman, talking like a woman, being a drama queen... " Please stop patronizing me and for once recognize that I am unlike any one you dated before. I am just being me. Respect is the two way street in my opinion.
B, I want you to be a priority in my life since we are dating... and vice versa. Please have your priorities sorted and make me feel important to you.
B, how about some passion and romance? Could I just hold your hand, rest on your arms or shoulder or maybe even kiss you when I feel like doing it without you asking me what I am doing. Please make me feel belonged.
B, please do not say something and take it back just like you want me to be your boy friend and then take it back. How do you think I feel when you lower my status? Please make me feel loved.
You are a strong minded person, very strong actually and confident and independent. It is impossible for me to fit into your life without you making any room for me. Please make some rooms for me if you want me. Please talk to me, open up to me and fill me in, make me feel needed.
B, I know neither you nor I like this kind of conversation. It is heavy; however, I think it is really necessary for our relationship. This is me. I am a package along with all of these issues and could be more. If you think this is too much, then we should think of another alternative for our relationship.
This message could make or break our relationship, I am willing to take a chance. With this journey, happiness is my quest.
Hiet.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Do I learn from this blogger or what?
"Do crave approval from everyone?
Does it bother you if someone doesn’t like you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the millions of people suffering from the disease to please. It’s not treatable by drugs or medication, but instead, by a healthy dose of truth. The disease to please stems from many things, including a diminished sense of worth.
I suffered from this disease as a child. When I was 9 or 10, I would invite my friend Jimmy over to play. I desperately wanted him to like me, and I felt rather unlovable (my parents would constantly remind me how chubby I was, and make many jokes at my expense). So, I’d open my baseball card collection, and let him take his favorite cards. I worried that I wasn’t enough myself, and felt that giving him cards would make up for whatever I lacked. Of course, Jimmy liked getting free cards - but it never occurred to me that he actually liked me, too.
Maybe you can relate. But here’s the good news: Having everyone like you isn’t a requirement in life.
Happiness, or one’s level of fulfillment, isn’t based on the approval of others. Approval isn’t required for success in this life. In fact, the more you contribute to the world, the more disapproval you’ll likely encounter. The larger your spotlight and the greater your success, the more dislike you’ll probably experience. Oprah spoke to this point in one of her New Earth Podcasts (Chapter 6, to be exact).
A true sense of worth, of course, can’t be found in the opinions of others. It can only be found within you, as you learn to love the unlovable within you." (by Davey Wavey from Break the Illusion Blog).
Sadness
Why am I so sad today? Is it because of B or of D?
I think it is the email from D. I was being nice to D in his situation with C (A), and things took a different turn. Am I ever falling for him? Is he the person of my dream or just another frog I have to kiss to find a prince? I think I am feeling this way because of the ideas of being turned down and it caught me by surprises since he was the one that came on to me, so strong. Is he afraid of falling or am I just not worth his try? Whatever it is, he hurts my feeling and I am sad.
With B, I do not know what it is any more. Whatever our status is, I am not OK with it. I will talk to him soon to see what it is and where it is heading. I hate being unknown. When he left for Japan, things are not the same. Is he just as confused as me or he just waits for me to be tired out all the whole thing and call it off? Who is B anyway? What do I know about him?
I do not like myself in this situation at all. It makes me weak. I want to go back to my normal self, the one before all of these relationship ordeals.
Please help me to get back to my happy self.
I think it is the email from D. I was being nice to D in his situation with C (A), and things took a different turn. Am I ever falling for him? Is he the person of my dream or just another frog I have to kiss to find a prince? I think I am feeling this way because of the ideas of being turned down and it caught me by surprises since he was the one that came on to me, so strong. Is he afraid of falling or am I just not worth his try? Whatever it is, he hurts my feeling and I am sad.
With B, I do not know what it is any more. Whatever our status is, I am not OK with it. I will talk to him soon to see what it is and where it is heading. I hate being unknown. When he left for Japan, things are not the same. Is he just as confused as me or he just waits for me to be tired out all the whole thing and call it off? Who is B anyway? What do I know about him?
I do not like myself in this situation at all. It makes me weak. I want to go back to my normal self, the one before all of these relationship ordeals.
Please help me to get back to my happy self.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Warren Mackenzie
Last Saturday, I finally found two more pieces by Warren Mackenzie. I will bring them home on Nov. 9.
What about his work that fascinating me? It is because it is so real and emotion, just like every thing else I love in this life. I can imagine his hands, his concentration, his emotion when he sat there in his studio throwing clay... and then, a piece came to life and then came to a household and then used... That is what he wants, his art to be used in daily life by real people.
Last week, I found a piece by Janet Leach. I have been googling (is it a word?) about this artist and fascinating what I came across. I found a letter she wrote to Warren, now at Smithsonian. I will do more reading about those potters... How fascinating, right?
What about his work that fascinating me? It is because it is so real and emotion, just like every thing else I love in this life. I can imagine his hands, his concentration, his emotion when he sat there in his studio throwing clay... and then, a piece came to life and then came to a household and then used... That is what he wants, his art to be used in daily life by real people.
Last week, I found a piece by Janet Leach. I have been googling (is it a word?) about this artist and fascinating what I came across. I found a letter she wrote to Warren, now at Smithsonian. I will do more reading about those potters... How fascinating, right?
Patrick Kemal Pryor
Love his art, love his mind, love his personality and love his friends...
Patrick will move away in less than 2 weeks. A lost note right there in this song...
Good luck and keep in touch...
Patrick will move away in less than 2 weeks. A lost note right there in this song...
Good luck and keep in touch...
Widen a circle of friends...
What amazing the last two week was!
Let see how many people I met and still keep in touch.
It is 10.
I met 4 new friends at Patrick Pryor's party and 6 with Brian L at another get together...
You know who you are... and thanks.
Let see how many people I met and still keep in touch.
It is 10.
I met 4 new friends at Patrick Pryor's party and 6 with Brian L at another get together...
You know who you are... and thanks.
Nguyen Ngoc Tu
I want to write something about Tu, but at the end, I can not. There is so much to write about.
I will visit this idea in the future.
NNT has been one of my favorite writers. Her words are simple, real, emotion and her stories are always inspired and passionate... Reading hers put me in a zen like state and calm me down.
OK, enough for now, back to reading NNT...
I will visit this idea in the future.
NNT has been one of my favorite writers. Her words are simple, real, emotion and her stories are always inspired and passionate... Reading hers put me in a zen like state and calm me down.
OK, enough for now, back to reading NNT...
Time flies...
It has been almost a month since I visit my blog again. It is not that I was busy, but my mind was occupied and the idea of clarify some ideas then write them down terrify me.
I read Davey's blog today. He wrote about taking a week sabbatical from his partner. I think that is a strange idea, but somehow intriguing. I am trying the idea now. I will observe to see how it goes.
Peace...
I read Davey's blog today. He wrote about taking a week sabbatical from his partner. I think that is a strange idea, but somehow intriguing. I am trying the idea now. I will observe to see how it goes.
Peace...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Missing a quiet and grounded life...
Yes, I miss having a quiet night at home...
Unlike a lot people I know, I love being at home, alone, and quiet... By doing that, I feel like I am balanced, grounded and productive... Going out is fun while it lasts, but not having a lot of things done makes my life seem chaotic. Since my physical life is chaotic, my mental life is heading that way as well. When my life, both physical and mental is chaotic, I can not be as productive as I would like. I do not like this feeling a bit...
I always think I would slow down when I was 35 along with all other dreams and hopes... Every thing is so not in my control. Changing my life style to fit my current situation is the only thing I can do now...
I am going to be more grounded and grew up in some senses.
I am going to practice when I visit my parents in Houston in the next couple weeks. I am going to read more and think more, not talk more...LOL.
This is the first step in the process. I am having an early new year resolution...
Unlike a lot people I know, I love being at home, alone, and quiet... By doing that, I feel like I am balanced, grounded and productive... Going out is fun while it lasts, but not having a lot of things done makes my life seem chaotic. Since my physical life is chaotic, my mental life is heading that way as well. When my life, both physical and mental is chaotic, I can not be as productive as I would like. I do not like this feeling a bit...
I always think I would slow down when I was 35 along with all other dreams and hopes... Every thing is so not in my control. Changing my life style to fit my current situation is the only thing I can do now...
I am going to be more grounded and grew up in some senses.
I am going to practice when I visit my parents in Houston in the next couple weeks. I am going to read more and think more, not talk more...LOL.
This is the first step in the process. I am having an early new year resolution...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friends...
Having good friends is a blessing... If that is the case, then I am really blessed...
One thing I regret the most is that I do not keep in touch with some of my friends from highschools. Being transferred to a lot a schools tended to do that to a person. During my 12 years in grade schools, I keep in touch with 2 people, L and T. We are still friends until this day.
College in Vietnam, Architecture University in Saigon was where I made a lot of friends and still keep in touch to today. A group of us, six, T,Y,H,V,T were very close but now some do not talk to each other. I still keep in touch with all. T,Y,H,V,T are wonderful, especially H and B when H married B. There are more in my class like C, CT,T,T,DT,HV,TV,V,D... that I meet from time to time every time I go back to Vietnam. C and V are those I like to meet the most in this group... We do not have a lot in common, but memory, sentimental are what keep us together.
America, I made some friends and friends no longer friends. What happened is what I usually ask myself. T and T are my oldest friends in America. Then I meet L at the senior year, and through L, I met T and N and their whole family... Through T and T, I met MH, CH, CL and their whole family as well as T and T family. I love them all...
In Grad school, I met B,D,B,K and many more, and we are still friends...
At MDA, I met K,R,C,K... and some more... some are very good friends of mine...
And then friends I met outside all of the above, like K who I met while shopping at Dayton's and the friends I met online like R and J...
Every group of friends I have, there are something different to talk about... I cherish them all.
On a rainy day, I suddenly miss them all... I feel fascinating how we became friends... with all people on earth, why they are my friends... We must have a lot of "duyen."
I wish all my friends a lot of happiness in their lives...
One thing I regret the most is that I do not keep in touch with some of my friends from highschools. Being transferred to a lot a schools tended to do that to a person. During my 12 years in grade schools, I keep in touch with 2 people, L and T. We are still friends until this day.
College in Vietnam, Architecture University in Saigon was where I made a lot of friends and still keep in touch to today. A group of us, six, T,Y,H,V,T were very close but now some do not talk to each other. I still keep in touch with all. T,Y,H,V,T are wonderful, especially H and B when H married B. There are more in my class like C, CT,T,T,DT,HV,TV,V,D... that I meet from time to time every time I go back to Vietnam. C and V are those I like to meet the most in this group... We do not have a lot in common, but memory, sentimental are what keep us together.
America, I made some friends and friends no longer friends. What happened is what I usually ask myself. T and T are my oldest friends in America. Then I meet L at the senior year, and through L, I met T and N and their whole family... Through T and T, I met MH, CH, CL and their whole family as well as T and T family. I love them all...
In Grad school, I met B,D,B,K and many more, and we are still friends...
At MDA, I met K,R,C,K... and some more... some are very good friends of mine...
And then friends I met outside all of the above, like K who I met while shopping at Dayton's and the friends I met online like R and J...
Every group of friends I have, there are something different to talk about... I cherish them all.
On a rainy day, I suddenly miss them all... I feel fascinating how we became friends... with all people on earth, why they are my friends... We must have a lot of "duyen."
I wish all my friends a lot of happiness in their lives...
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Taming the Tiger Within
The book, Taming the Tiger Within, has arrived... Thank you, Robert, for sending me the book and wrote me a beautiful note...
I am reading the book now...
I am reading the book now...
Pham Hoai Nam - Ao Trang
There are two well known photographers, both with the same name Pham Hoai Nam. One lives here in MN and one lives in Saigon.
I call Nam in MN as Ong gia, Granite King, Nam Ao Trang... since Ao Trang is the calendar he has promoted for more than 10 years along with his charity works in VN... (Sorry Thu, I am writing about Nam in this entry, I promise, I will write one all about you and your style some other time... soon.)
In his 2009 calendar, there are two images I love the most (I will scan and post them here later).
Nam is an amazing person, an excellent negotiator (LOL)... who is extremely talented, intelligent, compassionate, caring... and trust me, I can go on and on... That is why I admire and respect him in so many ways... even though we are so different in many aspects... (ask him, he will tell you...)
I am blessed for having Nam in my life. Nam is the kind of friend I turn to when I am happy and when I am not... I will continue to write about my friends... because from them, I learn a great deal...
I miss you, Ong gia...
I call Nam in MN as Ong gia, Granite King, Nam Ao Trang... since Ao Trang is the calendar he has promoted for more than 10 years along with his charity works in VN... (Sorry Thu, I am writing about Nam in this entry, I promise, I will write one all about you and your style some other time... soon.)
In his 2009 calendar, there are two images I love the most (I will scan and post them here later).
Nam is an amazing person, an excellent negotiator (LOL)... who is extremely talented, intelligent, compassionate, caring... and trust me, I can go on and on... That is why I admire and respect him in so many ways... even though we are so different in many aspects... (ask him, he will tell you...)
I am blessed for having Nam in my life. Nam is the kind of friend I turn to when I am happy and when I am not... I will continue to write about my friends... because from them, I learn a great deal...
I miss you, Ong gia...
Quoc Bao
By chance, for the last couple days, I found one of my favorite Vietnamese composers on Facebook.
He is Quoc Bao, the author of so many wonderful songs such as Bai tinh ca cho giai nhan, Yeu, Nhu nam me ma thoi, Am anh...
I am so glad. I behave like a groupy...LOL
I always compare him to chu Trinh Cong Son because his music is minimal, but the lyric is very sophisticated and complicated... He is one of the young composers that has old soul, writes about beauty, a kind of strange beauty that is haunted and sentimented in many ways...
Please keep haunting me with your beautiful music... I can not wait for his new cd Q+B coming out soon... so I heard.
This sounds like an introduction even though he does not need one... I will write more about him later, especially about two songs, Nhu nam me ma thoi and Am anh, Le Hieu sings in his cd V.
He is Quoc Bao, the author of so many wonderful songs such as Bai tinh ca cho giai nhan, Yeu, Nhu nam me ma thoi, Am anh...
I am so glad. I behave like a groupy...LOL
I always compare him to chu Trinh Cong Son because his music is minimal, but the lyric is very sophisticated and complicated... He is one of the young composers that has old soul, writes about beauty, a kind of strange beauty that is haunted and sentimented in many ways...
Please keep haunting me with your beautiful music... I can not wait for his new cd Q+B coming out soon... so I heard.
This sounds like an introduction even though he does not need one... I will write more about him later, especially about two songs, Nhu nam me ma thoi and Am anh, Le Hieu sings in his cd V.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Pottery
I love contemporary pottery as well as Mid Century pottery like Red Wing... They are just amazingly beautiful... I am learning about both... Warren, Maren Kloppmann, Steve Hemingway... love them all.
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