Love

What is it about LOVE that we all want and not all of us find it...?

Alpha - 2010 wishes

What do I wish for 2010?
Not a lot...

Omega

So, it is the end for B and me. We talked and decided to part from each other as of Monday night-Jan 4, 2010. I got what I wanted, but am still sad... the sadness is lingering around here, hugging me and slowly swallowing me... I am hoping and longing for better days...
I miss you B, but I can not do much different. I like your idea of us being friends... Take care.
As for my plan, I plan on to stay single for some time. Not going to rush into any thing this time...
Like I said, happiness is my quest for this journey...

Letter to B.

Dear B,
How do I start this conversation? How about this. I am not happy with us. So, what should we do to make it better?
I have been thinking about us a lot and I thought I should wait until after the holidays to talk to you, but I am sorry, I can not wait much longer.
I really appreciate the ways you treat me, most of all, your generosity. I have tried to think and rethink over and over again to understand all angles of our relationship. So, here are what I come up with.
I hope you understand who I am, where I am coming from as I have tried to tell you during our months of getting to know each other.
B, do you remember about what I told you about my relationship with my father and his stories? I can deal with many things and my kinds of people, but one thing I have hard time to deal with is people who are not value monogamy in their relationship even just with the physical part. I just want us to have a kind of relationship where love, trust and respect are the foundation. I never want to be in a jealousy state of mind. It is plain horrible just to imagine to be in that situation. I want to be able to trust you as much as I love you. I want our relationship to be clean in every possible ways. I do not want to be in an open relationship, period.
B, you told me about slipping, being able to slip, about physically fun, and about forgiveness in our last conversation. Temptation is everywhere, you and I could both slip, so where and what should be the limits? When we head down that slippery slope, I do not think neither one of us is strong enough to maintain ours. So, what are the points of having an exclusive relationship if we can not protect it from being destroyed? Forgiveness is essential in any relationship, but it should not be a getting out of jail free card. How often do you think you or I could forgive one another for cheating? In our last conversation you said that being with me is difficult since your slipping could cause our relationship. The question should be is why would I have to be responsible for our relationship since you were the one that slipped and vice versa? So if you and I would still want to look for something outside of our relationship, that means neither one of us were enough for each other. I am sorry, I do not want to be any part of the circus and I might not be the one for you then.
B, communication is super important to me. I would love to express my feelings to you when I need without facing remarks like "thinking like a woman, talking like a woman, being a drama queen... " Please stop patronizing me and for once recognize that I am unlike any one you dated before. I am just being me. Respect is the two way street in my opinion.
B, I want you to be a priority in my life since we are dating... and vice versa. Please have your priorities sorted and make me feel important to you.
B, how about some passion and romance? Could I just hold your hand, rest on your arms or shoulder or maybe even kiss you when I feel like doing it without you asking me what I am doing. Please make me feel belonged.
B, please do not say something and take it back just like you want me to be your boy friend and then take it back. How do you think I feel when you lower my status? Please make me feel loved.
You are a strong minded person, very strong actually and confident and independent. It is impossible for me to fit into your life without you making any room for me. Please make some rooms for me if you want me. Please talk to me, open up to me and fill me in, make me feel needed.
B, I know neither you nor I like this kind of conversation. It is heavy; however, I think it is really necessary for our relationship. This is me. I am a package along with all of these issues and could be more. If you think this is too much, then we should think of another alternative for our relationship.
This message could make or break our relationship, I am willing to take a chance. With this journey, happiness is my quest.
Hiet.

Do I learn from this blogger or what?

"Do crave approval from everyone?

Does it bother you if someone doesn’t like you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the millions of people suffering from the disease to please. It’s not treatable by drugs or medication, but instead, by a healthy dose of truth. The disease to please stems from many things, including a diminished sense of worth.

I suffered from this disease as a child. When I was 9 or 10, I would invite my friend Jimmy over to play. I desperately wanted him to like me, and I felt rather unlovable (my parents would constantly remind me how chubby I was, and make many jokes at my expense). So, I’d open my baseball card collection, and let him take his favorite cards. I worried that I wasn’t enough myself, and felt that giving him cards would make up for whatever I lacked. Of course, Jimmy liked getting free cards - but it never occurred to me that he actually liked me, too.

Maybe you can relate. But here’s the good news: Having everyone like you isn’t a requirement in life.

Happiness, or one’s level of fulfillment, isn’t based on the approval of others. Approval isn’t required for success in this life. In fact, the more you contribute to the world, the more disapproval you’ll likely encounter. The larger your spotlight and the greater your success, the more dislike you’ll probably experience. Oprah spoke to this point in one of her New Earth Podcasts (Chapter 6, to be exact).

A true sense of worth, of course, can’t be found in the opinions of others. It can only be found within you, as you learn to love the unlovable within you." (by Davey Wavey from Break the Illusion Blog).

Sadness

Why am I so sad today? Is it because of B or of D?
I think it is the email from D. I was being nice to D in his situation with C (A), and things took a different turn. Am I ever falling for him? Is he the person of my dream or just another frog I have to kiss to find a prince? I think I am feeling this way because of the ideas of being turned down and it caught me by surprises since he was the one that came on to me, so strong. Is he afraid of falling or am I just not worth his try? Whatever it is, he hurts my feeling and I am sad.
With B, I do not know what it is any more. Whatever our status is, I am not OK with it. I will talk to him soon to see what it is and where it is heading. I hate being unknown. When he left for Japan, things are not the same. Is he just as confused as me or he just waits for me to be tired out all the whole thing and call it off? Who is B anyway? What do I know about him?
I do not like myself in this situation at all. It makes me weak. I want to go back to my normal self, the one before all of these relationship ordeals.
Please help me to get back to my happy self.

Warren Mackenzie

Last Saturday, I finally found two more pieces by Warren Mackenzie. I will bring them home on Nov. 9.
What about his work that fascinating me? It is because it is so real and emotion, just like every thing else I love in this life. I can imagine his hands, his concentration, his emotion when he sat there in his studio throwing clay... and then, a piece came to life and then came to a household and then used... That is what he wants, his art to be used in daily life by real people.
Last week, I found a piece by Janet Leach. I have been googling (is it a word?) about this artist and fascinating what I came across. I found a letter she wrote to Warren, now at Smithsonian. I will do more reading about those potters... How fascinating, right?