E

Dear E,
I could be mad, but I decide not to do that since I do not want any of that bad energy rubbing on me.
I am just disappointed, plain and pure disappointment in you and in me for allowing you treating me this way.
One thing I know for sure, if this is where you and I are heading, I am out. I can not even use the word WE here since you do not want a WE so there is no WE.
I try to understand you, everything about you and around you, because I think you are special and I like you. But the more I tried to do all that, the more you pulled away. You said I was too direct, I came on too strong, I was too into you, I focused too much on you, I gave you too much attention and you scared... You are scared because... ? What do you want? Do you want me to be not into you, not to care or focus or pay any attention to you, or even to treat you bad? I could do all of those, but why would I want to do that to a friend, especially to you? Or why would you want that from a guy anyway?
There was my eureka moment: you are not into me at all. I have to believe that otherwise that means you have serious issues. If you were into me, you would appreciate my approach, you would feel happy and special.
I take it back. I am so angry right now. I have never been this angry ever and you bring that kind of emotion out on me. What did I do to you to deserve the way you treat me?
I try to forget and forgive so I can be with you. Only you can be so blind, so selfish and so self absorb in order not to see any of those... You let me wait outside your house for almost 1 hour while you were hanging out with your friends, and then you make plans with me and never follow through and do not even have the decency to call or text to let me know about changing plans (not the first time).
I understand you are busy, I am busy, I know people who are far busier than you, but they do not treat their friends or other fellow human beings the way you treat me... The only difference between you and them is that they care and decent and you are not.
I can see clearly now that all of your excuses are bullshit. It is you, not me that have the problems. That is another eureka moment for me.
I hope you can find whatever you are looking for and deserved. I am out. I feel sorry for myself for wasting my love and energy on you. I decide not allow you to do this to me any more... No more bullshit coming from you and respect is what I am at least deserved.
I wish you luck.

Time does fly...

It has been 8 months since I write anything in my blog...
So many things happened in the last 8 months... but on this blog, time stands still.
Imagine in life, if I stand still, I will be left behind, and later, I will move backward. Life goes on in that kind of senses.
Today is Sunday, a second day after the first snow yesterday. Feeling lonely somehow...

Love

What is it about LOVE that we all want and not all of us find it...?

Alpha - 2010 wishes

What do I wish for 2010?
Not a lot...

Omega

So, it is the end for B and me. We talked and decided to part from each other as of Monday night-Jan 4, 2010. I got what I wanted, but am still sad... the sadness is lingering around here, hugging me and slowly swallowing me... I am hoping and longing for better days...
I miss you B, but I can not do much different. I like your idea of us being friends... Take care.
As for my plan, I plan on to stay single for some time. Not going to rush into any thing this time...
Like I said, happiness is my quest for this journey...

Letter to B.

Dear B,
How do I start this conversation? How about this. I am not happy with us. So, what should we do to make it better?
I have been thinking about us a lot and I thought I should wait until after the holidays to talk to you, but I am sorry, I can not wait much longer.
I really appreciate the ways you treat me, most of all, your generosity. I have tried to think and rethink over and over again to understand all angles of our relationship. So, here are what I come up with.
I hope you understand who I am, where I am coming from as I have tried to tell you during our months of getting to know each other.
B, do you remember about what I told you about my relationship with my father and his stories? I can deal with many things and my kinds of people, but one thing I have hard time to deal with is people who are not value monogamy in their relationship even just with the physical part. I just want us to have a kind of relationship where love, trust and respect are the foundation. I never want to be in a jealousy state of mind. It is plain horrible just to imagine to be in that situation. I want to be able to trust you as much as I love you. I want our relationship to be clean in every possible ways. I do not want to be in an open relationship, period.
B, you told me about slipping, being able to slip, about physically fun, and about forgiveness in our last conversation. Temptation is everywhere, you and I could both slip, so where and what should be the limits? When we head down that slippery slope, I do not think neither one of us is strong enough to maintain ours. So, what are the points of having an exclusive relationship if we can not protect it from being destroyed? Forgiveness is essential in any relationship, but it should not be a getting out of jail free card. How often do you think you or I could forgive one another for cheating? In our last conversation you said that being with me is difficult since your slipping could cause our relationship. The question should be is why would I have to be responsible for our relationship since you were the one that slipped and vice versa? So if you and I would still want to look for something outside of our relationship, that means neither one of us were enough for each other. I am sorry, I do not want to be any part of the circus and I might not be the one for you then.
B, communication is super important to me. I would love to express my feelings to you when I need without facing remarks like "thinking like a woman, talking like a woman, being a drama queen... " Please stop patronizing me and for once recognize that I am unlike any one you dated before. I am just being me. Respect is the two way street in my opinion.
B, I want you to be a priority in my life since we are dating... and vice versa. Please have your priorities sorted and make me feel important to you.
B, how about some passion and romance? Could I just hold your hand, rest on your arms or shoulder or maybe even kiss you when I feel like doing it without you asking me what I am doing. Please make me feel belonged.
B, please do not say something and take it back just like you want me to be your boy friend and then take it back. How do you think I feel when you lower my status? Please make me feel loved.
You are a strong minded person, very strong actually and confident and independent. It is impossible for me to fit into your life without you making any room for me. Please make some rooms for me if you want me. Please talk to me, open up to me and fill me in, make me feel needed.
B, I know neither you nor I like this kind of conversation. It is heavy; however, I think it is really necessary for our relationship. This is me. I am a package along with all of these issues and could be more. If you think this is too much, then we should think of another alternative for our relationship.
This message could make or break our relationship, I am willing to take a chance. With this journey, happiness is my quest.
Hiet.

Do I learn from this blogger or what?

"Do crave approval from everyone?

Does it bother you if someone doesn’t like you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the millions of people suffering from the disease to please. It’s not treatable by drugs or medication, but instead, by a healthy dose of truth. The disease to please stems from many things, including a diminished sense of worth.

I suffered from this disease as a child. When I was 9 or 10, I would invite my friend Jimmy over to play. I desperately wanted him to like me, and I felt rather unlovable (my parents would constantly remind me how chubby I was, and make many jokes at my expense). So, I’d open my baseball card collection, and let him take his favorite cards. I worried that I wasn’t enough myself, and felt that giving him cards would make up for whatever I lacked. Of course, Jimmy liked getting free cards - but it never occurred to me that he actually liked me, too.

Maybe you can relate. But here’s the good news: Having everyone like you isn’t a requirement in life.

Happiness, or one’s level of fulfillment, isn’t based on the approval of others. Approval isn’t required for success in this life. In fact, the more you contribute to the world, the more disapproval you’ll likely encounter. The larger your spotlight and the greater your success, the more dislike you’ll probably experience. Oprah spoke to this point in one of her New Earth Podcasts (Chapter 6, to be exact).

A true sense of worth, of course, can’t be found in the opinions of others. It can only be found within you, as you learn to love the unlovable within you." (by Davey Wavey from Break the Illusion Blog).